2018 as been quite a year. I normally get a bit more introspective in December, it's a lonely month for me normally.
Thinking back, I felt like I had started the year on a high note and I felt pretty damn good about myself. Some stressful things happened, but I handled it. One housemate left, and I got a shitty one who I kicked out pretty quickly. I was super inspired by the local animation festival. I was totally on top of my convention schedule. I was in a really good head space and felt like I could take on the world. It was a lot of energy.
Then I met someone. I fell for him pretty hard and fast. It scared me but I felt really confident about it. So when he dumped me, for "reasons" I still fail to understand, the energy, the pressure, all of what I felt exploded. It was a searing, seething volcanic eruption of grief. Grief oozes. The initial eruption was devastating but it didn't really stop. Smaller eruptions followed. I was melting.
I stopped drawing. I was barely functioning on a daily basis. For someone like me who has no choice but to be independent and self reliant (really I no safety nets other than the ones I build for myself) this was a scary place to be in. My work suffered and even though I worried about underperforming there, I struggled to pull my socks up. I was not coping with small amounts of stress. I had to go break down in the bathroom every other day. Cried myself to sleep almost every night and woke up disappointed every morning. I thought about death and suicide a lot.
I'm not better yet but I feel functional at least. Would I let this person back in my life? Would I pursue him again given the chance? Yes. Unless I get a solid reason not to, yes I would. Despite everything. Including my better judgment. When my emotional and logical sides are at war, eruptions occur. The overflow never really subsides. I've learned to live with that.
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